So you’re wondering about what happens to couples when therapy goes on pause, maybe over the holidays or summer, or some other natural break in the work. This is a real clinical question and I’m glad you’re thinking about it.
Here’s the honest truth from sixteen years of sitting with couples: breaks in therapy are not neutral events. They matter. How you and your partner move through a break tells you a lot about where you actually are in the work.
The container matters more than you realize.
When couples are in active therapy, the sessions themselves create a kind of holding structure. There’s a place to bring the hard stuff. A break removes that container, and some couples feel that loss acutely. What I watch for is this: does the couple reach toward each other when the container is gone, or do they go into their separate corners and wait for therapy to resume? That tells me something important about how internalized the work has become.
Breaks can be tests, but try not to treat them that way.
If you’re mid-process, deep in some painful pattern you’ve been untangling together, a break can feel destabilizing. Old cycles can creep back in. That’s not failure. That’s just what happens when the scaffolding comes down before the building is fully standing. It doesn’t mean the work was pointless. It means you’re human.
What I tell couples before a seasonal break is this: agree on one small thing you will practice while I’m not in the room. Not a big intervention. Not homework that feels like a test. Just one small gesture of turning toward each other instead of away. Maybe it’s a ten-minute check-in before bed. Maybe it’s a phrase you’ve developed in session that signals “I’m here with you right now.” Something that keeps the thread alive.
The return matters as much as the break.
What I look for when couples come back after a hiatus is not whether they had a perfect break. It’s whether they can be honest about what happened. Did they repair small ruptures on their own? Did they notice their old pattern starting up and name it to each other, even imperfectly? That kind of honest re-entry is what I’d call real proof of work. The effort to show up truthfully after a hard stretch, that’s visible evidence that the work is becoming theirs, not just mine.
A word about the holidays specifically.
The holidays are particularly loaded because they bring in extended family, old attachment wounds, financial stress, and disrupted routines all at once. It’s one of the highest risk periods for couples. I usually try to do a brief prep session before a long holiday break, just to name what each person is walking into and what they might need from their partner during that time. Even fifteen minutes of that conversation can make a real difference.
If you’re going through a break right now and feeling the wobble of it, that’s okay. Name it to your partner if you can. Just say “I notice I miss having that space for us.” That’s not weakness. That’s you choosing the relationship.
Where Does Your Relationship Stand?
Which pattern is running your relationship?
Take the free three minute quiz and meet the creature behind the cycle you keep getting stuck in.
Take the free Empathi Wisdom Score assessment. In 5 minutes, get a personalized snapshot of your relationship patterns and what to do about them.
Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session
Explore More Topics
Keep Reading
Every couple has a pattern they cannot see. Find yours.
In love, each of you is a Relentless or a Reluctant, which makes you one of three kinds of couple: Relentless and Reluctant, two Relentless, or two Reluctant. The free quiz reveals your creatures and the cycle they fall into together. About three minutes.
No signup needed to start.
The Relentless
The Reluctant
