Oh, holiday fights. I see these every single year, like clockwork, usually starting in October and peaking right around Thanksgiving. You are not alone in this.
Here’s what I want you to understand first: the fight about whose family you go to, or whether you do the tree on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, or how much money you spend on gifts… that fight is almost never actually about those things.
What’s underneath a holiday tradition fight is almost always a fight about belonging. About whose world matters more. About whether you, as a couple, have built something that is *yours* yet, or whether you’re still just two individuals who happen to be together, each one quietly pulling back toward the family that originally shaped them.
That’s a real and legitimate developmental question for a couple. It deserves more than a negotiation spreadsheet.
So let me ask you something. When this fight happens, what does it feel like at its worst? Because I would guess that at least one of you feels like you’re being asked to disappear into the other person’s world. And the other person feels like they’re being called selfish for wanting what they’ve always known and loved.
Both of those feelings are completely valid. And neither one of them is the enemy here.
The work I’d want to do with you is help you two start building toward what I call **Sovereign Us**: the place where you stop fighting as two individuals defending your separate histories, and start asking together, *what do WE want our holidays to feel like?* What traditions do you want to carry forward? What new ones do you want to build that are entirely yours?
That question, asked from a place of curiosity rather than defense, changes everything.
A few practical things I’ve seen help couples in this exact situation:
**Name what the tradition actually means to you.** Not the logistics, the meaning. If you need to be at your mom’s on Christmas morning, say what that’s really about. Is it grief? Is it continuity? Is it that she’s getting older? Let your partner see that, not just the request.
**Acknowledge the loss in compromise.** When couples compromise on holidays, someone is usually giving something up. Name that. Don’t just say “okay fine we’ll alternate years.” Say “I know this year means you miss your family’s Christmas morning and I want you to know I see that cost.”
**Protect each other from the families, not from each other.** This is huge. The two of you should be a united front with extended family, not two separate advocates lobbying each other on behalf of your families of origin.
That last one is where I see couples really start to turn a corner. Because once you’re protecting your partnership instead of protecting your past, you can start building a future that actually belongs to both of you.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: How to Stop Fighting and Start Communicating in Your Relationship
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