Oh, that one lands hard. And I want you to know, what you’re describing is not a small thing. It is one of the most painful experiences that can happen inside a relationship.
Let me say it plainly first: when your partner takes something you shared in a vulnerable moment, something you trusted them with, and then uses it as ammunition in a fight, that is a betrayal. Not a dramatic word. Just the accurate one.
Here is what I see happen clinically, over and over. In the early tender parts of a relationship, we open up. We tell our person about the thing we are most ashamed of, the wound we carry, the fear that keeps us up at night. And that act of sharing is actually an enormous gift. You handed them something precious about yourself.
When that gets weaponized in a fight, two things happen simultaneously. The obvious injury, which is the sting of the attack itself. And the deeper injury, which is the slow erosion of safety. You start doing the math. You start thinking, what else is not safe to share? And little by little, you stop bringing your real self into the relationship. You armor up. And the relationship starts to hollow out.
What I want you to think about is this: fights are supposed to be two people on the same team, working through something hard together. When your partner reaches for your insecurities as a weapon, they have crossed to the other side of the table. They are no longer fighting WITH you. They are fighting AT you.
That is the opposite of what I call Sovereign Us. That is the state where both of you are protecting the relationship, not just protecting yourselves. Right now it sounds like your partner is in pure self-protection mode, and you are absorbing the damage.
So here is what I want to ask you directly: have you been able to tell your partner, outside of a fight, in a calm moment, what it actually does to you when that happens? Not the anger, which is completely valid, but the underneath of the anger. The part that says this makes me feel like I cannot trust you with the real me.
That conversation, if it is possible to have it, is where things can begin to shift.
And if it is not safe to have that conversation, that tells you something important too.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: How to Stop Fighting and Start Communicating in Your Relationship
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