Here’s what I see over and over in my office: parents sitting across from each other, rigid with hurt, convinced they’re fighting about bedtimes or screen limits or who forgot soccer practice. But they’re not.
They’re fighting because their nervous systems are in full panic mode, screaming the same two questions that drive every relationship conflict: “Are you there for me?” and “Am I enough for you?”
The parenting stuff? That’s just the stage the drama is happening on.
Here’s how it usually goes down. One parent gets overwhelmed and signals distress. Maybe it comes out as sharp criticism about homework not getting done. The other parent doesn’t hear “I need support.” They hear “I’m failing as a parent.” So they do what any reasonable nervous system does when it feels like a failure. They pull back. Get logical. Offer solutions. Or just leave the room entirely.
Now the first parent feels completely abandoned. Which makes them come in harder with the criticism.
Round and round you dance. Both of you love your kids desperately. Both of you are trying to be good parents. But the protective moves you’re making to survive the emotional pain are actually making everything worse for everyone, including the kids.
So after a conflict like this, here’s what NOT to do: don’t march straight back to the parenting conversation. I know that feels productive, like you’re being responsible adults. But it doesn’t work until you repair the emotional bond first.
Real repair starts with sitting down together and being willing to say something like this: “What we just did there, both of us, it makes sense that we did it, but it’s making everything worse. And that really sucks for both of us.”
That’s it. You’re not solving the homework battle yet. You’re stepping out of your separate corners and acknowledging the shared wreckage of the dance you just did together.
When you can look at each other and see two people in pain instead of one person who is wrong, that’s when something shifts. You stop protecting yourselves from each other and start protecting the relationship together.
From that place, the logistical parenting stuff becomes so much more workable. Because now you’re solving a problem together instead of fighting a battle against each other.
Look, the foundation of a healthy family is the emotional safety between the two parents. When that bond feels secure, kids feel secure. When it’s fractured, they feel that fracture in their bones, no matter how well you think you’re hiding it.
Get the bond feeling safe again first. The screen time debate can wait twenty minutes while you remember you’re on the same team. Your kids need that repair more than they need you to resolve who’s picking up from practice tomorrow.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
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