Look, I want to sit with you for a second before we get into the “how to stop” part, because that question is actually two questions hiding inside each other. There’s “how do I stop the behavior,” and underneath that is “what the hell is happening inside me that got me here in the first place.” And if we only answer the first one, you’ll stop the affair and find a burrito, or work too much, or drink, or find the next affair. Because that’s what we do. We’re incredibly creative about finding ways not to feel what’s happening inside us.
Here’s what I know from working with couples where affairs have happened. The affair was never really about the other person. It was about you running from yourself. Running from something inside you that felt intolerable. Maybe it’s that you feel like a disappointment. Maybe you feel alone even in your relationship. Maybe you feel like you’re not enough, or like no one really sees you. And somewhere along the way, going elsewhere for comfort became the solution your nervous system landed on.
Maybe you feel alone even in your relationship.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
No credit card required. Your first 10 messages are free.
Ask Figlet about stop having affairs commit.
An affair, a burrito, a hot dog, working too much, drinking. These are all the same move. They’re all ways of saying “I cannot tolerate the reality of what it’s like to be me right now.”
So the real question isn’t just how to stop the behavior. The real question is, can you learn to stay with yourself?
That means staying with the terror. Staying with the feeling of being a disappointment. Staying with the loneliness or the shame or whatever it is that’s been driving you out the door, literally or emotionally.
And here’s the thing I want you to hear. You cannot go over it, under it, or around it. You have to go through it. And the astonishing thing is, when you actually go through it, when you stop running and you sit in the reality of what’s happening inside you, it actually changes. It becomes something you can live inside of instead of something you have to escape from.
Now, can you do this alone? I’m going to be honest with you. This is very hard to do without a guide. Someone who isn’t going to buy into your agenda to feel better fast, and who isn’t going to buy into your partner’s agenda to feel better fast either. Someone who can hold you in the discomfort long enough for something real to shift.
What I’d want to know, if you were sitting across from me right now, is what is it that you cannot tolerate feeling? Because that’s where the real work is.
Where Does Your Relationship Stand?
Which pattern is running your relationship?
Take the free three minute quiz and meet the creature behind the cycle you keep getting stuck in.
Take the free Empathi Wisdom Score assessment. In 5 minutes, get a personalized snapshot of your relationship patterns and what to do about them.
Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Explore More Topics
Keep Reading
Every couple has a pattern they cannot see. Find yours.
In love, each of you is a Relentless or a Reluctant, which makes you one of three kinds of couple: Relentless and Reluctant, two Relentless, or two Reluctant. The free quiz reveals your creatures and the cycle they fall into together. About three minutes.
No signup needed to start.
The Relentless
The Reluctant
