I hear you. And I want you to know that what you just said takes courage to admit out loud, because there’s so much cultural pressure on mothers to say that motherhood is completing them, fulfilling them, making everything more meaningful. And here you are, telling me the truth. That matters.
Here’s what I know after sixteen years of sitting with couples in exactly this season: The transition to parenthood is one of the most destabilizing attachment events a couple can go through. And the reason isn’t the baby. The baby is just the trigger.
The reason is that both partners suddenly have enormous unmet needs at the exact moment neither one has anything left to give. You’re both running on empty, reaching for each other, and coming up with nothing. And when we feel that emptiness long enough, we stop reaching. We protect ourselves instead.
That’s when the distance sets in. That’s when the relationship starts running on duty and routine rather than genuine connection. You’re still *doing* the relationship, going through the motions, keeping the household alive, but you stop *living* it together.
Maybe you’ve become two exhausted people managing logistics, more like co-workers running a very demanding startup than two people who actually see each other. Maybe you feel like you disappeared into the role of mother and your partner either doesn’t notice, or worse, seems relieved by it. Maybe you’re fighting constantly, or not fighting at all, just drifting in silence.
Here’s the thing about being touched out, depleted, and resentful. It’s not just about the physical exhaustion. It’s about losing your sense of self so completely that you don’t even know what you need anymore, let alone how to ask for it. You’re pouring from an empty cup, and somewhere along the way, you stopped believing that cup deserves to be filled.
Your partner is struggling too, probably feeling equally lost and rejected, just expressing it differently. They might be retreating into work, or trying to help in ways that feel more like criticism to you. They’re probably as confused as you are about where the two people they used to be actually went.
What I want you to know is this: That distance isn’t evidence that your marriage is broken. It’s evidence that two people who are overwhelmed have temporarily lost each other. And people who are lost can be found.
But it requires one thing above everything else. You have to stop managing the survival of the household long enough to tell each other the truth about how scared and lonely you actually are. Not the complaint, not the accusation, not the scorekeeping. The fear underneath all of it.
Because here’s what nobody tells you about this phase: It’s temporary, but only if you’re intentional about finding your way back to each other.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Co-Parenting After Divorce: What to Expect from Counseling
