Welcome!
Today we’re going to talk about the cycle. The system. Or, as some of my clients might call it, “your sh*t show.”
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we call it the “negative interactional cycle.” It’s that emotional bonding-driven feedback loop that couples get into together-one that feels really bad for both of them. It’s the demon dialogue. It’s the place where you get stuck.
And the first thing you need to know about the negative cycle in relationships is this: It is not your fault. And it is not your partner’s fault. It is a third entity that you co-create together.
The River Running Under Your House
Here’s how I want you to picture it. You don’t always see the cycle in your day-to-day life. You’re not consciously aware of it while you’re making coffee or driving to work. But it is there.
It is like a river running underneath your house.
Most of the time, it stays underground. But from time to time, the water rises. It comes up above the floorboards. Suddenly, you notice, “Oh, I’m up to my ankles.” Or, “I’m drowning.”
You are drowning in your relationship patterns, in your fights, in your conflicts. But the first thing to realize is that the emotional bonding dynamic-the thing that makes the water rise-is actually ever-present between the two of you.
It’s easiest to study the cycle when it’s above ground, when you are standing in it. When you are in the fight. When you are in the “Tiff.” Or the “Barney Rubble.” Whatever you call it.
Two Separate Narratives vs. One Shared Story
When the water rises, what usually happens?
Typically, a couple comes in to see me and they have two completely separate narratives. Partner A says: “I am hurting. And you did it to me. And if you would just stop doing that thing, we would be fine.” Partner B says: “Well, I don’t feel great because you are being too sensitive, and you are always on my case.”
They have two different stories. And as long as you have two different stories-where the other person is the villain and you are the victim-you are going to stay stuck.
Breaking negative patterns requires us to merge those two stories into one shared story.
We have to move from “I am fighting for my life against you” to “We are in a system together.” It’s not a “me” problem or a “you” problem. It is an “US” problem.
If you can shift to, “Hold on a second. This isn’t me versus you. This is US versus the Cycle,” your body can actually start to feel safe. You stop seeing your partner as the enemy. You start seeing the cycle as the common enemy.
The Hack: How to Know You’re In It
So, how do you know when the river has risen? How do you know when you are in the cycle?
Because, let’s be honest, when you are in it, it feels like reality. It feels like your partner really is just a jerk.
Here is the hack. It is very simple.
If you have a negative judgment of your partner-if you think they are selfish, they are mean, they are over-emotional, they are indecisive-you are in the cycle.
If you hear them walking toward the toilet at night and you think, “Ah, they’re avoiding me”-you are in the cycle.
Why? Because of the “Four Things.”
If One Is Present, All Four Are Present
In any negative cycle in relationships, there is an infinity loop happening between you. And in that loop, there are always four things happening at the exact same time:
- I am hurting. (My unmet love need is triggered.)
- I am reacting. (I am protesting, blaming, or withdrawing.)
- You are hurting. (Your unmet love need is triggered.)
- You are reacting. (You are defending, explaining, or attacking back.)
Usually, we only see two things: I am hurting and You are acting badly.
But the rule is: If one of the four things is present, all four are present.
If you notice you are reacting? You are in the cycle. If you notice you are hurting? You are in the cycle. If you notice your partner is reacting? You are in the cycle.
So the hack is: Always assume that if you see your partner negatively, they see you negatively. And if you are seeing them negatively, you are hurting inside, and they are hurting inside too.
The Tornado We Create Together
It is like a tornado. A weather system.
You and your partner create the conditions for this tornado. You are both 50% of the cycle getting created. And it destroys everything in its path. You both end up going, “Oh my God, how did we get here? Fifteen minutes ago we were having a great dinner and now we are screaming at each other on the side of the road.”
It feels terrible. It feels toxic.
But here is the thing that changes everything. The only reason this tornado exists-the only reason you are both hurting and both reacting and both getting stuck in these relationship patterns-is because you love each other.
You are not fighting because you hate each other. You are fighting because you mean so much to each other that when you get disconnected, it feels like life or death.
How to Break Free from the Negative Cycle
You want to stop the cycle? You have to see it first.
You have to be able to step out of the river, stand on the bank, look at it and say: “Oh, look at what we are doing. We are doing that thing again. I am feeling abandoned and criticizing you. You are feeling rejected and withdrawing from me. We are both hurting. And we are both hurting each other.”
That is the shift.
We go from two separate suffering bubbles to one shared suffering bubble. We join them together. “Look at us. This is so painful for us that we’ve been disconnected for the last two days.”
That is the de-escalation. That is the moment the “common enemy” becomes the cycle, not the person you love.
So, go be a scientist. Study your cycle. Notice when the water rises. And remind yourself: We are only drowning because we matter to each other.
