Being called names by the person you love most is one of the most destabilizing things that can happen in a relationship. I want to sit with that for a second, because what you’re experiencing is genuinely painful.
Here’s what I want you to understand first, and I mean this genuinely, not as an excuse for the behavior: when your partner calls you names, they’re protesting. It’s a terrible, hurtful, dysregulated version of protesting, but it’s protest. Something inside them is in so much pain, so threatened, that their nervous system has completely overrun their capacity to communicate like a human being.
That does not make it okay. Not for a second.
But here’s what I know about these moments. Both of you are hurting. When the names come out, your partner has gone somewhere very primitive, very scared. They’ve completely lost the thread of connection with you and are now just trying to survive the moment. And you, receiving those names, are being hurt in a real and serious way.
What I want you to be honest with yourself about is this: how long does the disconnection last? Does it ever actually repair? Because here’s the thing. I’m not as concerned about the fact that you fight. You’re going to fight. That’s a feature, not a bug, of loving someone this much. What I’m concerned about is whether after the names, after the heat, the two of you can find your way back to each other in a meaningful way.
Not just the “let’s pretend it didn’t happen” kind of back to each other. Real repair. Where someone says, I saw what I did, I understand it hurt you, I am genuinely sorry.
If that repair is happening, there’s something to work with. If it’s not, if the names just get absorbed and buried and you move on and they happen again, that’s a cycle that’s getting more toxic over time, not less.
The work here is getting both of you to a place where you can see the system you’re both caught in together. Your partner calling you names is their wounded, panicked way of saying “I am not okay and I don’t know how to tell you that.” Your job is not to just absorb it. Your job is also not to become a mirror of it and escalate. The job for both of you is to eventually get to a place where the pain that drives those moments can be spoken from a vulnerable place instead of weaponized.
That’s real work. That’s not a solo project. That’s something you need to do together, ideally with someone who knows how to hold the space for both of your pain at the same time.
But I want to leave you with this. You reached out. You named it. That matters. And if you want to understand whether this relationship can get to a healthier place, the question I would start with is: after the fight, after the names, does your partner come back? Do they take responsibility? Is there any repair at all? That answer will tell you a lot about what’s possible here.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Emotional Safety in Relationships: What It Means and How to Build It
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