Let me be straight with you about this, because this matters.
Name calling in arguments is not just a communication problem. It is not a “we both need to fight fairer” issue. It is a rupture in basic safety. And without safety, there is no real relationship. There is just two people surviving each other.
Here’s what I know after sixteen years of sitting with couples: when someone calls their partner a name in a fight, something very specific is happening. They have stopped seeing their partner as a person they love who is in pain. They have started seeing them as an enemy to defeat. That’s a significant shift. And it tells me that this person doesn’t yet have the skills to stay in their own skin when they feel flooded, so they reach for a weapon instead.
Now, I want to ask you something, and I want you to really sit with it.
How do you feel after it happens? Not during. After. Because a lot of people I work with minimize this. They say “oh it’s just words” or “they don’t really mean it.” But your nervous system knows the truth. Your body keeps score even when your mind makes excuses.
The name calling is often your partner’s attempt to discharge their own shame and pain by making you carry it instead. It’s like they’re throwing hot coals they can’t hold onto you. But here’s the thing: you don’t have to catch them.
Here’s what needs to happen. Your partner needs to understand, fully and without defensiveness, that this behavior is non-negotiable. Not as a threat. As a boundary about what a real relationship requires. You cannot do vulnerable, connected work with someone who turns your name into an insult when they feel scared or angry.
This is repairable. But only if your partner owns it completely, without a “but you make me so…” attached to the apology. A real apology looks like: “I called you names. That was wrong. It hurt you. I’m going to figure out what happens inside me that makes me do that, and I’m going to learn different skills.”
If they can’t get there, if they keep justifying or minimizing, then you’re not dealing with someone who’s ready to be in a real relationship yet. And that’s information you need.
The truth is, how someone treats you when they’re angry tells you everything about their character. When the mask comes off in conflict, what’s underneath is what you’re really dealing with every day.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
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