Oh, I hear this one a lot. And I want to gently push back on the frame you’re bringing in, because “my partner won’t talk about our problems” is almost never the whole picture.
Here’s what I want you to consider. When you say you want to talk about your problems, what does that actually look like in practice? Because most of the time, when one person says they want to talk, what they really mean is they want to arrive at a solution. They want to get somewhere. They want things to be different by the end of the conversation.
And the other person, the one who “won’t talk,” has usually learned that these conversations don’t feel like conversations. They feel like being put on trial.
I say this with zero judgment of you. Both of you make complete sense to me.
Here’s something I’ve said many times: the problem is not the problem. The way you’re talking about the problem is the problem. You might be bringing the issue to the table, but if underneath that you’re both coming in with your own version of events, your own list of grievances, your own argument for why the other person needs to change, then of course one of you is going to shut down. It’s not safe to open up in that environment.
What I’d want you to try is something that feels almost backwards at first. Stop trying to solve the problem. Instead, get genuinely curious about your own fear, your own hurt, what you’re really scared is going to happen if things don’t change. Not your argument. Your vulnerability.
Because here’s what I’ve seen over and over again. When one person can show up and say, “I’m scared. I feel alone. I don’t know how to reach you and that terrifies me,” the whole room changes. That’s a different invitation than “we need to talk.” One of those closes a door. The other one opens it.
And if you can both get to the place where you recognize this is painful for both of us, where you can feel that you’re two people who love each other and are genuinely hurting each other, that shift alone changes everything. You’re literally standing in a different world from that place. The problem hasn’t disappeared, but how you feel about each other has changed so dramatically that now you can actually figure things out together.
So my question back to you is this. When you try to talk, what are you actually bringing? Are you bringing your case? Or are you bringing your heart?
That distinction is everything.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Communication Exercises for Couples (That Actually Work)
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