This interview originally appeared in GGMG Magazine, the magazine of the Golden Gate Mothers Group.
You get so scared during fights that you act like enemies.
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Ask the Expert: Fighting as a Couple
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Is there truly a way to “fight fair”?
When it comes to fighting, there are a few key ground rules: 1. Violence or threats of violence are forbidden. That includes any physical intimidation or threat to hurt yourself. Once any violence is a factor, it’s important to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800.799.7233). 2. There should be no existential threats to your relationship. Even while you are furious, it’s not okay to call the very existence of the relationship into question. So, no comments such as, “I am so done with you” or, “If you are so unhappy with me, why don’t you find someone else?” 3. Accept that struggles in love are normal and inevitable. It doesn’t matter who kicks off a negative reaction that fuels a cycle of hurt feelings and reactionary protests. Once you are fighting, both of you feel hurt, misunderstood, and reactive. Neither of you is a bad person for that. It’s critical to know that you are just two people who love each other deeply, who momentarily got scared and reactive.
Can fighting ever be beneficial to a relationship?
Actually, a certain amount of fighting is healthy, it brings to the surface the parts of us that most need to be loved. You and your partner need to recognize that right underneath the protest behavior, be you a blamer, question asker, shutter-downer, exiter, minimizer, or whatever your preferred protest poison, are these sweet vulnerable parts that are hurting badly while you are disconnected from each other. Once you can see this dynamic, you can stop fighting and care for those most vulnerable parts in each other. If you didn’t have fights these vulnerabilities would not have come into view. Fighting can help lead us ultimately to more love and intimacy.
What are some common reasons you see couples in counseling?
The simple answer: Suffering! This suffering comes from what we term as attachment injuries, something which happens in your relationship that injures your emotional bond with each other and feels impossible to repair. A classic cause of attachment injury is an affair. But even more common is one partner not showing up for the other at a time of need. For example, you decided it was more important to play golf than to go to your husband’s mother’s funeral…ouch…couples therapy may be in your future!
The list of potential incidents that could cause an attachment injury are endless, and what would be a big emotional bonding injury for one person may not be a big deal for another, so you can imagine how this could create injuries that can be hard to repair.
You get so scared during fights that you act like enemies.
Do you know you can get personalized answers to all your questions from the same wisdom that wrote this article, right now?
Ask anything about your own situation and get an answer immediately. Keep asking, think it through, work out what to do next.
No credit card required. Your first 10 messages are free.Other than attachment injuries, it’s common for people to come to counseling to feel the love they once had but lost, whether in the bedroom or in their hearts. And some couples get into the same fights over and over again. You get so scared during fights that you act like enemies. Talk it through with Figlet.
Are any relationships beyond repair?
There may be relationships that are beyond repair, but I start from a place of hope if two people come to see me. We have to assume there is something inside both of them that wants to make their love work. Even if they are behaving as if it’s hopeless, I will keep working to find a way for them to bond in their joint suffering. If successful, we will have achieved what appears to be a miracle, a couple that seemed beyond repair will love again, feel emotionally safe together again and have a better relationship than ever.
That said, there are some circumstances that will make repair very difficult, if not downright impossible, such as an ongoing affair, ongoing substance abuse or addiction, or domestic violence.
How does having kids affect a relationship?
Parenting increases the opportunities to get into negative cycles. With children in the mix, there is more emotional intensity and an unending stream of potential triggers. There are more chances to feel your partner is not there for you, and a greater possibility your partner does not understand or appreciate you in ways you need. Having kids makes it more important to do your work as a couple and to attend to your emotional bond. My wife and I know this all too well, we are right there with you in the parenting trenches!
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