You know, I’m going to say something that’s going to feel completely counterintuitive, and maybe even a little bit maddening. But stay with me.
Stop asking for your needs to be met.
I mean that. At least, stop asking for them the way you’re probably doing it right now.
Here’s why. Most of us have been taught by the personal development world, by our friends, by every magazine article ever written, that we have a right to our needs, and we should just go ahead and ask for them. And that’s true, you do have that right. But the way most people ask for their needs, the way they’ve been coached to ask for them, it backfires almost every time.
Think about it this way. Your partner, whoever they are, is carrying something inside them. A fear that they’re not enough. A fear that they’re a disappointment. They may not even know it’s there. But the moment you come at them with a request, even a totally reasonable one, their system reads it as a threat. It hears, “You’re failing me.” And now they’re not hearing you anymore. They’re just trying to survive not being a disappointment again.
So your vulnerability, the real tender thing underneath your request, never even lands. It gets swallowed up by their defensiveness, which is really their fear. And that’s tragic.
Now, here’s what I actually want you to do instead. Get underneath the request.
Every single time you want to ask for something, there is a vulnerable experience living right beneath it. Not “I need you to spend more time with me.” What’s under that? “I’m scared I don’t matter to you. I’m sitting in a dark corner somewhere inside myself, feeling invisible, and it’s terrifying.” That. That is what you share.
No request at the end of it. I know that sounds crazy. I know it flies completely in the face of everything you’ve heard. But here’s the thing. When you describe yourself, just yourself, no descriptions of the other person, no requests, no questions that put them on the spot, you become less threatening to them. And when they feel less threatened, they can actually stay present with you. They can feel what you’re feeling. That is the beginning of real connection.
Now, that said, there are actually two moments when asking directly for your needs is exactly the right thing to do.
The first one is when you’re both running through that metaphorical field together. You know the moment. You look at each other and you just feel it, they’re here, I’m enough, we’re okay. In that moment, ask for everything. Tell them what you need. Tell them what you want. It’s completely safe.
The second moment is when you have gone so deep into your own pain, so deep into the sadness of feeling unloved or unseen, that you’ve burned through the blame. There’s no more room for anger. You’re just sitting in the raw, honest ache of it. And from that place, from the place where it’s almost unimaginable to even reach out, that is also a beautiful moment to ask. Because you’re not asking as your defended, protective self. You’re asking as the most real version of you. And that version is not a threat to anyone.
The part most people miss is this. They ask for their needs while they’re still in their story, still in blame, still in “you’re the one who isn’t showing up.” And asking from that place just confirms for your partner that they are, in fact, already a disappointment. It becomes a loop that neither of you can get out of.
So the practice, if I can call it that, is this. When you feel the urge to make a request, pause. Ask yourself, what is the vulnerable experience I’m actually having right now? Underneath the frustration, underneath the criticism, what is the real feeling? And then share that. Just that. With no conditions, no request stapled onto the end.
It takes practice. Nobody gets it right all the time, including me. But when you start doing it, something shifts. People stop being your threat. And they start being the person you love again.
That’s where all the good stuff happens.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: Communication Exercises for Couples (That Actually Work)
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