Understanding Couples Therapy Homework Assignments

You know, one of the things I see couples get wrong about homework is they think it’s supposed to fix something. Like if they just do the right exercise enough times, the fighting stops, the distance closes, and everything smooths out. That’s not what this is about at all.

What I’m actually trying to build with you between sessions is muscle memory. Think of it like a rugby team. You don’t show up on Sunday for a match without having scrummaged on Wednesday. The game-day moment, when your partner is triggered and you’re flooded and everything in you wants to defend yourself, that’s Sunday. The homework is Wednesday. You’re training your nervous system to move from reactivity to vulnerability when it actually counts.

So here’s what I actually give couples to work with.

The Appreciation Exercise. This one is short and nightly, and it sounds simple until you try it. You take turns sharing an appreciation. But here’s where most people stop too soon. You can’t just say “I appreciated when you made dinner.” You have to go one layer deeper and say what that touches inside you, what it says about how you experience yourself in this relationship. And then the receiving partner reflects on what it feels like to be appreciated. You’re not just exchanging compliments. You’re practicing letting love actually land.

My wife Teale and I did this every single night during COVID lockdown when we were tense and snippy and disappointing each other. It wasn’t magic. It was medicine. It worked because we kept showing up for it.

The Three Question Exercise. I use this one when couples are completely gridlocked on an issue. And here’s the rule: no problem-solving. The questioner asks three things, one at a time. “What difficult feelings and thoughts come up for you about this?” Then “What can you do to support yourself?” Then “What can I do to support you?” The questioner says the question, listens, and says “thank you.” That’s it. No advice, no rebuttals, no fixing. You’re creating space for your partner to actually drop into their emotional experience instead of defending a position.

Yes-And Empathy. This one I adapted from improv theater. The goal is to catch the little word that kills connection, which is “but.” Or “no.” Or “actually.” Every time you say those words, you’re signaling to your partner’s nervous system that they’re wrong. The practice is simple: replace it with “yes… and.” You validate first, then you add your perspective. It sounds small. The state change in the room when someone does it genuinely? Not small at all.

Micro-Bites of Love. This one is for the person who freezes when love finally shows up. I call these folks orphan cheetahs. Picture a cheetah who’s lived in the wild, never been safe, never been held. You can’t just hand them a whole cake of love. They’ll bolt. So the homework is one micro-bite per day. One affirmation offered. One breath taken to let it land in the body. And you just track what gets 1% easier. That’s it. Not transformation. One percent.

The Flashlight of Awareness. This is the hardest one for most people. You are used to pointing your attention at your partner, cataloguing what they’re doing wrong, building your case. This exercise asks you to grab that flashlight with both hands and turn the beam back toward yourself. Not to blame yourself. Just to ask: “What is it in me that is happening right now?” That question is where the real work lives.

And then sometimes, after a session that was particularly raw, the only homework I give is this: be kind to yourself. That one’s harder than it sounds for most of the people who end up sitting on my couch.

The through-line in all of these is the same thing. None of them are about fixing your partner. They’re about being with yourself, sharing what you discover, and actually taking in what it feels like to be the two of you together. That’s how you build toward something real, that state where you’re genuinely on the same team, protecting the relationship rather than protecting yourselves from each other. These practices are the Wednesday scrimmage that makes Sunday possible.

Read more: What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session