You know, that’s a question I love getting because it flips the script a little. Most people think the magic in couples therapy is in the answers couples give. But really, it’s in what questions are even worth asking in the first place.
And here’s the honest truth I’ve come to after sixteen years of sitting with couples: the questions that sound most logical are often the least useful ones.
Like, most couples come in wanting me to ask “who started it?” or “who’s right?” And I just won’t go there. What’s right and what’s wrong is totally irrelevant to me in that room. Because two people can both be completely right and completely destroying each other at the same time.
The questions I actually care about are much simpler than people expect. Underneath every single fight I’ve ever witnessed, there are really only two questions being asked. Just two. One partner is essentially asking, in a hundred different ways, are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Am I seen? And the other partner is asking, just as desperately, am I enough for you? Am I acceptable? Am I a disappointment?
Those are the only questions that really matter in the room. Everything else? The dishes, the money, the in-laws? All of that is what I call drag and drop content. It’s a red herring. The nervous system doesn’t care about the dishes. It cares about those two questions.
So when I’m sitting with a couple, I’m always listening underneath what they’re saying to find which of those two questions is actually being asked in this moment. That’s the real clinical work.
The other questions worth asking in therapy tend to sound like: What are you most afraid your partner actually thinks of you right now? Or, If you could take the armor off for just a second, what would you most want them to know you’re feeling? Questions that move people down from their heads into the actual vulnerable experience that’s sitting right underneath the anger or the shutdown.
I might ask someone, “When your partner says that, what story does your brain tell you about what that means about you?” Because we’re not fighting about what happened. We’re fighting about what we think what happened means about us.
Here’s what I don’t waste time on: detailed relationship histories, childhood trauma deep dives, or communication technique tutorials. Not because those things aren’t important, but because communication skills don’t fix what’s broken. You can’t teach two people to talk better when their nervous systems are treating each other like a threat.
You have to get underneath the threat first. That’s what the right questions do. They help people find each other again underneath all the noise. Because at the end of the day, we’re all just trying to figure out if we’re safe with the person we love most.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session
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