Small lies. Yeah, this one hits different, doesn’t it? Because it’s not like he robbed a bank or had an affair. It’s something seemingly insignificant. And yet here you are, feeling like something fundamental is wrong. That tells me everything I need to know about how much these “small” lies actually matter.
Here’s what I want you to sit with for a second. When someone lies about small things, the real question isn’t just “why is he lying?” The deeper question is: what is he afraid will happen if he tells the truth about these little things?
Because here’s what I’ve seen over and over in my office. Small lies are almost never about the thing they’re about. They’re usually about protection. He’s protecting himself from something. Maybe your reaction. Maybe his own shame. Maybe some old story he’s been carrying since long before he met you.
Think about it like this: if someone flinches every time you reach toward them, even gently, they’re not flinching because of your hand. They’re flinching because of all the other hands that came before yours.
Maybe somewhere along the way, telling the truth about forgetting to pick up milk or being late or spending twenty bucks got him lectured, criticized, or made to feel like an idiot. So now his nervous system thinks every small confession is dangerous territory.
That doesn’t make it okay. I want to be crystal clear about that. You deserve honesty. Full stop. These lies erode trust just as much as big ones, sometimes more, because they’re constant little paper cuts to your relationship.
But if you want this to actually change, you need to get curious about what he’s scared of. Because if the lying is protection, then shining a big spotlight on each lie and making it a confrontation usually just makes the protection stronger.
Here’s what I’d ask you: When he does come clean about something, even something tiny, what happens next between you two? Does he feel safe enough to be honest? Or does telling the truth tend to cost him something? Does he get a lecture about responsibility? A disappointed sigh? A “why didn’t you just tell me in the first place?”
I’m not saying you’re the problem here. But I am saying that if you want honesty, you might need to make truth-telling feel safer than lying. And that’s where the real work begins.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
Read more: How to Rebuild Trust After Lying: What Actually Works
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