I’m glad you’re asking that question instead of just acting on it. That takes some self-awareness, and I want to meet that honestly.
Here’s what I want to say to you first: the thought of cheating is rarely actually about the other person you’re thinking about. In my experience, it’s almost always a signal. Something is missing. Something hurts. And your mind is doing what minds do – looking for a way out of that pain.
Think about what I see in my office. When someone has an affair, there’s almost always a vacuum that formed first. A distance. A loneliness. A feeling of, “Am I enough for you? Are you even here with me?” And rather than sitting in the discomfort of that unanswered question, the mind starts wandering toward something that feels like it might answer it. Something new. Something that makes you feel like yourself again.
So before I ask you anything about who you’re thinking about, I want to ask you about you. What is it like inside your relationship right now? Not the logistics, not whether things are “fine on paper,” but what does it feel like to be you inside it?
Maybe you feel invisible. Maybe you feel like you’re performing a role instead of being yourself. Maybe you’re carrying resentment about something that never got resolved. Maybe the spark died so slowly you didn’t notice until you suddenly found yourself fantasizing about someone who looks at you like you matter.
These thoughts aren’t moral failings. They’re information. Your psyche is trying to tell you something important about what’s not working.
The fantasy isn’t really about that cute coworker or your ex who keeps liking your Instagram posts. It’s about feeling desired again. Feeling interesting. Feeling like someone gives a damn about what you think and say and want.
Here’s the hard truth I have to tell you: cheating doesn’t actually answer the question. It creates six or seven new betrayals on top of the original pain. I’ve seen it destroy people who loved each other. And more than that, it lets you avoid the real thing, which is whatever is happening inside you right now that is making you want to go elsewhere for comfort.
The real work is figuring out what that vacuum is and whether it can be filled in your current relationship. Sometimes it can. Sometimes the distance can be bridged if both people are willing to do the hard work of seeing each other again. But you can’t know that until you stop running from the discomfort and start talking about it.
What is that thing you’re missing? That’s where you need to start.
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Figs is a licensed marriage and family therapist with 16+ years of experience working with couples. He’s the co-founder of Empathi, host of the “Come Here to Me” podcast, and author of an upcoming book on relationships and the systems that shape how we love.
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